artifact
j. j.'s hospital journal
AUTHOR'S NOTE:
Believarexic is described as an “autobiographical novel.” But that's a little like saying it's “true make-believe,” right?
I think of it this way: imagine a sine wave (a squiggly, sideways, repeating S curve) drawn over a straight horizontal line. Still with me? Okay. The straight line is what really happened. The squiggly line is Believarexic. The story follows the direction of the truth, and intersects with it often, but also… veers away.
What's real: I did go into inpatient treatment for “bulimarexia” in the winter of 1988-1989, when I was fifteen. My admission and discharge dates are real. The therapy sessions, rules, groups, and policies are real. The inner struggles real.
What's not real: I exaggerated some elements, simplified or consolidated a few characters, and slid their timelines around a bit.
My intention in making these changes was to craft a better story, not to be deceptive or dishonest.
In the interest of transparency, here's my real journal from my actual hospitalization.
You can compare, if you want, history and story. (And I think you'll agree that Believarexic makes for much more interesting reading than the journal. Notice how outwardly focused I was... and how BORING I was until I began to re-feed and nourish my body.
Also, please note:
Be nice, people.
I was sick, insecure, anxious, and... fifteen.
Xx -j.j.
Believarexic is described as an “autobiographical novel.” But that's a little like saying it's “true make-believe,” right?
I think of it this way: imagine a sine wave (a squiggly, sideways, repeating S curve) drawn over a straight horizontal line. Still with me? Okay. The straight line is what really happened. The squiggly line is Believarexic. The story follows the direction of the truth, and intersects with it often, but also… veers away.
What's real: I did go into inpatient treatment for “bulimarexia” in the winter of 1988-1989, when I was fifteen. My admission and discharge dates are real. The therapy sessions, rules, groups, and policies are real. The inner struggles real.
What's not real: I exaggerated some elements, simplified or consolidated a few characters, and slid their timelines around a bit.
My intention in making these changes was to craft a better story, not to be deceptive or dishonest.
In the interest of transparency, here's my real journal from my actual hospitalization.
You can compare, if you want, history and story. (And I think you'll agree that Believarexic makes for much more interesting reading than the journal. Notice how outwardly focused I was... and how BORING I was until I began to re-feed and nourish my body.
Also, please note:
- This journal is posted in its entirety, as written in November 1988 - January 1989, including misspellings, grammatical errors, weird spacing, etc.
- Any changes or explanations are noted [in brackets].
- I've deleted specific listings of weights and sizes, because I don't want to trigger readers' issues or competitive feelings.
- All names and identifying details have been changed, with the exception of Mom, Dad, Rich, and Kelly.
- Real events that happened after January 28, 1989 are obviously not in the journal. The two biggest true events that are included in BELIEVAREXIC, but do not appear in the journal, are Nurse Sheryl/Ratched's hospitalization and Sophia's insurance running out.
Be nice, people.
I was sick, insecure, anxious, and... fifteen.
Xx -j.j.
(Admitted Monday, November 21, 1988)
Tuesday, November 22, 1988
Its about 2:10 and I’m bored. By this time tomorrow I can talk to my mom and the rest of my family. That will be so nice. I understand that, when my parents can come and visit on Monday, I can make plans to go out on a 2 hour pass that weekend.
I’m really depressed. So many thoughts are going through my head:
How long can I take the hurt?
Can I make it through ‘till Monday?
Do I want to die?
Do I need to stay…
Can I make it?
Right now I feel like I would be better off dead. But I wonder … is that what I really want?
I’m so scared and so lonely. But its easy to talk to the people here (esp. Monica + Grace today at Breakfast and Lunch.) and I know I’m doing what I need to do. What’s so terrible about lying here crying? Everyone always says that the first week is the worst. God, I sure hope and pray that it is.
Breakfast to day was so painful. I was so upset that with each bite of egg I almost (or did) gagged. Lunch was a little better, but the food here is horrible! I’m constantly stuffed.
I guess all I can do is hang-out until tomorrow, when I can call my mom. Everything here is so painful.
I just got back from talking with Dr. W———so now I’m crying. Again.
Wed. Nov. 23
Today I feel like I have to let out all (or some of) the hurt + pain I’ve been feeling inside for so long. Its hard to do without mom. But I can call her today at around 1.
The pain seems so unbearable. I guess its better I let it out here rather than at home, where I have access to razorblades, toilets, food; and where I may go unnoticed for that matter. It would hurt more there, because I would probably feel like I had to cover; and because attempting suicide just makes your heart break that much more. It is really hard to allow myself to hurt this much.
Thurs. Nov. 24
Thanksgiving. Called home + cried.
Fri. Nov. 25
Today I put on my sneakers at 11:10 am rather than staying in my slippers all day. It hurt to do because I had to accept the fact that I have to keep on living here. Its not just an escape——I’m going to be here awhile. Lily terminated in group today and it made me cry to think how far I have to go before I get out of this joint. But also I realized that I’m getting started already. As I’ve listened I’ve heard people saying it take anywhere from 2 weeks to a month (A Whole Month!) before they would open up and accept recovery. I’m ready now!
I just found out that Eleanor has only been here for (well, I mean she knows her discharge date + its next week — so she would have been here for) only 2 months. 61 days. Thats really reassuring — because a lot of people here have already been here longer than that. I know I am ready to face my problems … my inner strength is filling me up more and more each day. I’ll make it through. My attitude is to tear through this sucker——look each thing straight in the eye, feel the pain, heal my pain, and get well.
I just talked with Dr. P and we pretty much came to the conclusion that I am an alcoholic. Thats scary. I feel almost slimy in admitting that I am, but at the same time, I feel good that I can accept myself as an alcoholic. I need to tell my family, but I have to wait until a family session to tell them. And I have to out and out tell them myself. I don’t know if I can wait that long. Maybe I can talk with Sheryl (my primary) and/or the girls about my alcoholism before it gets a chance to eat me up inside. I feel somewhat angry at myself for being an alcoholic, but Dr. P and even I myself is very convinced they will come to the conlcusion that I am chemically dependent on alcohol. (Dr. P also pointed out that my hallucinations may have been caused by a withdrawal from alcohol — hmm.) Its strange to think I’m an alcoholic and I will be attending AA meetings soon. And it hurts. I am an alcoholic.
Dr. P said she admired my honesty and willingness to share!!! (Thanks!)
I got mail today from Teacher C, Kelly, and my Mom. Teacher C’s and Kelly’s letters were very nice. Both were funny and lifted my spirits.
My mommy wrote that both she and my dad are somewhat “on shifts” of missing me. Both take turns. It helps to think that I’m not the only one in my family missing the others. Mom said also that Rich said home was weird without me, and that he missed me. Wow!!! And she wrote that he was asking about bulimarexia (a new word they learned from reading educational books), and that all 3 were talking and sharing ideas, symptoms, and feelings (and causes) of bulimarexia. Thats good! Once again my mom thanked me (1st — in bed night before I left, 2nd on phone Wednesday) for pounding the fact that I really need(ed) help through their heads (for maybe 2 months?). I was glad to hear that they finally are accepting my eating disorder as a major concern. Mom also said [my brother’s friend] wanted my address to write to me, and that he’d rather call because he’s better at talking than writing. And she said she talked with the Lupitos quite a bit after dropping me off here on Monday night, and that Mr. Lupito will come visit often because he’s up near here quite a bit for classes. Also she wrote that the high holy one (Rev. S) wants to visit soon, too. [Mom’s friend] talked with Mom a lot and said she thought I was very special, and to use the sponge she gave me in my beautiful care-basket for sponge-baths until I get medically cleared to take a shower (I started taking showers yesterday, though :) ). —————— The best part of the letter, though, was the part when she wrote:
“Hang tough kid —— you are doing this for your life! I love you!”
What a Mom. What support. Even when they find out, or rather, I tell them, I’m an alcoholic. Right? Right!!!
Things I need to do / overcome:
- Wear sneakers rather than slippers
- Drink regular soda
- Accept my alcoholism
- Keep reaching out
- Deal with the here + now
- Accept the past
- Make amends — after bitching out — with Megan + Conrad
- Learn to deal + cope with depression
- Keep up - Catch up on - school work
- Pull thought [through].
*- Deal with + express anger!
- Deal with my fear + anger associated with snow!
- Stop people pleasing.
- Begin to realize anger at me doesn’t mean dislike.
Things I need to tell my parents:
- I am an alcoholic
- I had sex with Conrad — and J when drunk.
- When I threw up — my tricks
- The reasons why my relationship with Dad is so poor in my mind.
- Why I’m dependent on Mom
- Why I have an eating disorder--
Fear of growing up — away
Avoidance
A way to get attention (admit it)
4:45 (same day) Right now I’m questioning my recovery. Do I really want it? Is it worth the pain? My intellect knows it is, but right now I wonder. I decided to write this down because I don’t want it inside me. I guess it scares me because I do want recovery and I don’t want to worry or even think about it to ruin my chances. That should show me something. Now I have a headache.
Sun. 11-27
9:44 I just talked avec Nurse V (substitute nurse) and she said:
“Just take it easy + don’t pressure yourself.
Stage One, Stage Two, Stage Three
You’re your own woman, and you have all you need to recover —— you’re in charge of your own self — you control your own body.
People are the same everywhere — everyone’s got problems.
You have all the courage you need — you put yourself in here and stood up and told your parents you needed help. You admitted your problem to yourself + then your parents. Thats hard, sweetheart! Its difficult. But what more does it take?
I guarantee you’ll make it. Take it one hour at a time and enjoy each hour because this is what life is made of.”
What a help!
“Its alright to cry, baby … crying is good when you’re angry or sad or depressed or whatever.”
Today was somewhat boring, but I stayed busy + didn’t cry ’til now.
OA meeting —— everyone (except Juliet) talked about feelings of helplessness, dependency, and worrying about separation.
Heather [my roommate] is upset about something … I’ll have to talk with her. I think she thinks I am unconcerned — how can I relate to her if I have no idea where the hell she’s coming from? DAMN IT!
Mon. Nov. 28
I’ve been here a week now and I’m waiting for my father and brother to get here to visit. Yay! :) (Its 6:46 and I’m getting impatient!)
Today I talked with Med Student B, Dr. P, and a lady from downstairs about chemical dependency. I’ve learned today:
- I cried again in the morning
- I’ll probably be going to AA meetings downstairs with Bronwyn
- I’ll always, from now on, be a recovering alcoholic
*- Maybe my parents’ marriage isn’t so great—maybe my Mom + Dad are unhappy—or not as happy as I think they are.
- I might be sticking up for my Mom by picking on my Dad
- I am just and extension of my mom
Maybe I think my dad isn’t good enough for my mother.
- In order for me to like a person, they have to be perfect, and I idealize everything in people. Once I find a fault in character, its hard for me to thing of someone in the same way.
[LATER] My father + bro left, and I am sad. Sad in a quiet kind of way. Rich said that the past week seems more like 2 or 3, and that he missed me. We hugged twice. He said (after I asked) that [his friends] knew I was here. [His other friend] knows, too and he was one of the first people to ask Rich how I was doing. The most common reaction from Rich’s friends, he relayed, was “Oh, shit! I had no idea.” It doesn’t seem like very many people knew, even though I tried to make it so obvious. Bronwyn said, after listening to this: “But you wanted them to know!” Just like that. And she was so right.
Tonight + tomorrow I am getting a bloodtest done for depression. I hope in almost a whole way that I will go on anti-depressants. I told my dad tonight that I might, and he just kind of nodded and sayd, “Okay.” I didn’t give him much of a chance to respond. I’m hoping anti-depressants will take away that feeling of hopelessness and despair. That would be nice.
At dinner we had a great big spit-wad fight. Nurse Baldy even suggested we make targets: Men, Club Samuel Tuke, Bronwyn’s target weight, Dr. W, etc.
Tues. Nov. 29
Its 11:20 and we just finished (adjourned) a cumminity meeting. Hopefully we’ll go rollerskating and, even more hopefully, I’ll be able to go. Amanda nominated Bronwyn for activity chair, which is good because she’ll do a good job, but I wanted to do it. Oh well, I’m sure I’ll be here awhile, so I’ll get a chance to chair activities sometime. Sunday we are either going to go to a park on a scavenger hunt or to Switz’s for Christmas decorations. Both of these activities sound like “duds” compared to rollerskating.
Today so far has gone OK. I haven’t cried yet, which worries me and is making me anxious because I’m having the DEX (?) depression test done today, and I want to come out depressed so that I can go on anti-depressants. I talked with Bronwyn again last night + she said anti-depressants really do help (to take away the feeling of despair + hopelessness.) Monica this morning looked me straight in the eye this morning and said “You’ll go on them.” I felt a lot better after that. I understand the whole test is chemical and you can come out depressed even when you are in a good mood. Good! Because today I’m in a good mood, but the last week I’ve been really depressed. Sooo… Oops! Trays (lunch) are here!
10:36 PM I’m proud of myself! Juliet was in bed (because she got early bedtime because she wasn’t in bed on time last night), and asked me to do her a favor.
ME: What?
JULIET: Tell Nurse Baldy that if he asks you if I’m in bed you tell him I’m asleep?
(She had the light on sitting up crudely in bed reading)
ME: No. (Shocked at myself for saying it that firmly.)
JULIET: Jennifer~!
ME: (even more firmly) No, I won’t lie for you, Juliet. I will tell him you are in bed, though.
JULIET: O.K. (Reluctantly)
When my mom was here she mentioned how annoying dad’s Christmas Carol Music was getting. I felt (for the very first time) that I didn’t want to hear this. I felt angry + resentful and somewhat annoyed that she talked to me about this. Hmm ….
Mom asked me if she could read my 10-page “angry letter” to Rev. S + her friend and I said sure, but share my Thanksgiving one to. She said she really enjoyed my Thanksgiving letter. “What a nice,” Mom said, “gift to give your family.”
I think I’m getting those black + white sheets with the checkered comforter for Christmas. Yay!
Oh, yeah! Amanda + Heather made us a piñata filled with rubber balls + ping pong balls. I got to whacks and I put a dent in it!
Wed. Nov. 30
Rev. S came to visit today. The most profound thing he had to say that being in here is the closest you can get to a real advent, constantly waiting for outside forces to let something happen.
People, Joseph Mary ——————waiting/expecting———————> baby Jesus
Me ——————————————waiting/expecting———————> discharge
Understand?!?
Not much happened with me today. I’ve felt pretty blah…
Highlights:
- I got medically cleared
- I am stuffed after every meal
- Monica fainted today — she doesn’t feel well at all after she tried to slit her wrists (with a staple) last night. Scary.
- Monica + Heather are both pretty sure they are handing in 72 hour letters relatively soon.
- I couldn’t go rollerskating (“way below maintenance weight”)
- I talked with Mom + Kelly [on the phone]
- I got permission to take a 2 hour pass tomorrow.
* Only 6 more Wednesdays to go here!
Thurs. Dec. 1
4:20 pm I should be writing in black + blue (like Nurse S said) because thats the way I feel right now. I just got beat up (verbally) by Monica, Grace, and Amanda. Here’s what happened:
We had a meeting with all of us and staff to talk about enabling. It seems that people have been cheating down in the dining room and helping each other sneak diet pills, gum, etc. After a lot of lecturing from staff, it was made known that Monica, Grace, Bronwyn, and Amanda are all being … pulled back up from dining room, no [passes] this weekend.
(Talked with Monica)
Friday Dec. 2
7:12 pm This morning was really tough. My family came at 8:30 (after a pissed-off because we’re here breakfast from these poeple ^^^) for family therapy. We worked with Social Worker D + talked for 2 hours instead of one:
* We talked about…
Our family dynamics
Jen getting attention
Mom + Dad not having a perfect relationship
Jen’s sarcasm towards Dad.
Dad and anger — now — intellectualized, sterile “I” messages
— then — hitting things, pushing me around (and Rich) making Mom cry.
Dad + I got really angry at each for talking about him (—> very defensive + angry w/ Social Worker D) — he said he didn’t think his anger was an issue — I do. I said “Obviously it is. Evidence? I’m dying of an eating disorder and I’m going to die if we don’t deal with this issue. We both said we both felt a lot better after this outburst.
Then … we went into Dr. P’s office, and …
(Movie time — Coffee House!)
12:00 am … I told my family “That the reason I go downstairs is for chemical dependency on alcohol. It seems as though I am an alcoholic.” My dad started crying so hard I thought he was laughing. He wailed about how this was his worst fear for me, that I am so much like his sister, and how sorry he was. I told him it wasn’t his fault. Then he said he thought alcoholism was worse than eating disorder, where Dr. P and I disagreed that alcohol can be abstained from, but food is ever-present. Rich, Mom, and especially Dad and I (who had cried all morning anyways) all cried in Dr. P’s office. It was really tough. Really tough. Then I shared that I get drunk once or twice a weekend and than many many times I’ve come home drunk. Mom + Rich both said they had no idea about this (I don’t think Dad said anything), and mom told me that, when looking for my dance tape [video], she found my diet pills, laxatives, and 2 bottles of stashed alcohol. I felt like shit for doing that to my family. I still do.
Dr. P also said that, if my parents agreed, I am going to go on anti-depressants. I feel good about that. (Plus, if I drink while on them, I’ll die — extra incentive [to not drink]!) Dr. P also said that I”m going to get an EEG and CaT scan (both scan brain waves) because of my hallucination reports.
Oh, by the way, [the assertiveness trainer] came up and hung out. He asked me my age after I was done telling him how much I enjoyed “Couch Trip”, and said I was wise beyond my years (after I questioned “why” to his inquiry), and very articulate. Did I spell that right? Hee hee.
Tomorrow —— my first
2 hour ETA [pass]
With my dad.
Yaaay!
^^He’s spending most of the day here, then hopefully my friends will come up. I need to start writing my essay [personal eating disorder history] tomorrow.
I’m sleepy! I have had a rough + hard + draining day. Besides, I had early bed time tonight for staying up past 11 talking with Bronwyn. Oops!
Love you, Good night.
Oh - Eleanor left today. She will be missed by all, including me. I wish her the best of luck!
Monday, Dec. 5
I’ve been here three weeks. In a way it seems like years, but in another way it seems as though time here flies. I’m feeling a lot of different things today …
1. Nervous + anxious about getting my essay done by Wendesday. I have only the first page done. I think I’ve been procrastinating.
2. I think I feel somewhat relieved that I’ve gotten my alcohol abuse out in the open with my family. I’m also relieved that I’ve gotten my feelings about my family out in the open. My mom came to visit yesterday and my father the day the day before and both visits were wonderful! Its the first time in a long time I’ve felt like I didn’t have to cover things up. I even got along with my dad without picking on him or using sarcasm.
3. I feel up-in-the-air about a new person coming today and another tomorrow. I guess I have to just wait this one out. I’m jealous because the girl who comes today is going to be Bronwyn’s roommate. I also hope they’re nice because they will more than likely be spending [Christmas] in Club Samuel Tuke with me.
Tues. Dec 6
- Stealing, buying candy + raiding refridgerator (when younger)
- Chairman of Activities - People pleasing
- Feelings associated w/ my friend B’s death — heat flashes — mom being away — bad things happen?
- Went to “ArtMart,” played soccer in Soda Room with Nurse Chuck, walk after OA.
- 2500 [calories/day] — first full day — feeling really fat
- CD [chemical dependency] tomorrow
- Rich coming up Fri
- Mom Sat + Sun — dad is out-of-town
- Requested 6 hour divided pass for Sat
4 hour pass for Sun.
- Decided not to request unsupervised bathrooms because of increased calories — setting myself up.
- A or F (grades) —> (all or nothing) — both ways of getting attention -Nurse Chuck
- Don’t put words in people’s mouths or feelings in their hearts. -Nurse Chuck
- Chuck endorsed my requests and wrote I’ve been talking about my feelings and working hard!
- 2 new admissions yesterday — Deborah —> I think I like
Charlotte —> I think I like somewhat.
- Figured out (from Charlotte) that my target range is (probably) between [omitting numbers]
- Didn’t cry today …. Didn’t need to. Good or Bad? No.
- Been working on my essay — hope I can get an extension + not get my passes limited!
- Beautiful 50 degree day! Sunny + Warm!
- Need to write to Conrad
- Kelly wrote a really nice note — “Hang in there… Things can only get better — like you told me!”
Wed. Dec. 7
I went to Chemical Dependency today and watched a film on Cocaine. I’m concerned about my bother’s possible drug abuse. His nose bleeds. Dr. P told me to bring it up in family therapy. Good idea … but scary.
In ‘group’ today we talked about enabling and willingness. Monica + Grace were pissed about Amanda’s eating habits + rituals, and most people thought that staff should be tougher on people. I noticed that the people so concerned with Amanda getting away with things were those who are cheating or are still incorporating rituals. I think that Amanda’s problem is Amanda’s problem and there’s nothing I can do about changing her habits besides offering encouragement + support. No one can make anyone do anything, even here. I have to take responsibility for my own recovery. {And no on else’s.} I was kind of annoyed also that Amanda’s name “happened” to come up so much and she wasn’t present to defend herself herself. That bothers me.
Dr. W said to me (yesterday) not to offer support, to be there if someone comes to me, but not to offer it. He suggested that helping others is a great way to avoid helping myself. And I will never see these people again, but I will be with me all my life.
Also in group today I started giggling uncontrollably because Grace made a face and picked her nose like Dr. W does. I couldn’t help it! He thought I was nervous because it was an uncomfortable subject, and that might have been part of it, but mostly it was just plain funny! Even Monica laughed. Even Med Student B had to work to surpress a chuckle. :)
* Conrad + Megan, I realized in Dr. P’s hour session, were both chubby children + had difficulty and concern controlling their weight. Being thinner always gave me one-up, an edge, on Megan. And, I realized, with both I was extremely afraid of them leaving me, and after both relationships fell, I felt abandoned. Self-fulfilling prophecy?
I talked about my friend B’s death a lot, too.
No information on anti-depressants.
EEG and CaT scan tomorrow at one ‘o’ clock.
Thurs., Dec. 8
I had my EEG done today, but not my CaT scan. In short, the nurses screwed up and I went late (I told them to have me leave at one, but no! Of course a fifteen year old can’t be right) and ended up waiting an hour and a half for nothing. Argh!
My EEG went ok. They measured and scrubbed certain points on my head. (They scrubbed my head with liquid lava soap mixed with alcohol and salt — it stung!) I fell asleep, then woke up, watched a strobe light, and deep-breathed for four minutes. After almost hyper-ventilating, my whole body was numb. The whole procedure took about an hour and fifteen minutes. I pushed them and they will call in the results tomorrow. My CaT scan will occur at 8 o’clock tomorrow morning. I can not eat breakfast until I get back at around 11. Then lunch probably after group. Then dinner. Then Rich + his girlfriend are coming up. Yay!
Saturday my mom and I are going to the Nutcracker. Yay!
OA topic tonight —— reaching out + asking for help and humbleness. Group topic —— anger (at men … Conrad! -Dr. W)
Friday, Dec. 9
Had CaT scan, allergic to iodine put in my blood — hives + constricted throat — injected w/ Benadryl and fell asleep instantly! For about 3 hours. (No breakfast!)
Sunday, Dec. 11
Dr. P suggested I bring something up in Group Monday --
Am I being ignored really or in my mind? Is it something I’m doing to cause people to stay away from me or is it just planning in my head that people are leaving me out?
She suggested that this place is a rehearsal for the real thing; that either way things are going to be hard and painful, but here I’ve got support, even if I am doing [something] to cause people to avoid me. :(
I’m reading my essay in about 10 minutes.
Monday, Dec. 12
I feel like crying, but I can’t quite let it go yet. I read my essay last night and from what I understand from the feedback I got, I blew away most everyone, especially staff — Nurse Baldy and Nurse Sal. Everyone was concerned (including me) with how detatched the reading was. I didn’t cry. Everyone related to my story except Charlotte, and staff was amazed at all the stuff thats happened and I’m only fifteen. Nurse Baldy wrote down 72 feelings from my essay. He was visibly upset. He thought I was just this nice girl with an eating disorder, he said. “Not that you’re not nice, but I see now all this crap. You hide it well.” I do. He said he saw my eating disorder start the instant I started recieving praise but not learning to give it, forcing me to feel like I need to be perfect.
Staff + Nurse Sal said that they with they could take an eraser to my past so I could start anew because, they all said, “You have everything going for [you].” I have everything going for me. Hmm …. I wonder.
Bronwyn said I should do a lot of (“Forever Young” is playing on the radio) thinking about my family. Thats a good idea, but its going to be harder than hell. She also was the only one who noticed I didn’t write anything about my dad. So then I talked about him a lot. How intelligent he is + his anger + perfectionism.
Nurse Baldy: “Intelligent? But does he have understanding? Of emotions? You can have all the book knowledge you want, but if you don’t have understanding …”
Nurse Sal: “Like us”
Nurse Baldy continues: “It won’t do you any good.”
Hmmm.
Today I’m bummed out. I feel like I have so far to go I might as well not bother. Nurse Chuck asked me if I thought it would be easy. I hesitated and said “Everything else in my life has been.” I’m scared. To death. Its going to be such an uphill struggle. I guess I have to rely on myself —“Try to use the strength and courage I see in you in being your own friend. Be true to yourself” -Monica. Be true to myself. And I’ve got God when things get overwhelming. Like now. My God, I’m fifteen. I look in the mirror and see a fifteen year old stranger. Like my person and my body doesn’t know each other.
After talking with Dr. P, I have opened my eyes to quite a few things …
- I am not real with my mother — I act like the self-assured Jen.
- I am not real with my father — I act like the intelligent Jen. I’m confused as to whether he expects me to be a child in need of advice or a young lady.
- I am not real with anyone. I am constantly pleasing people and being an actress. It is exhausting.
- I have no sense of self-identity.
- I have to choose: either people please and sell my soul to get praise or be my own person and go the direction I want to go in my life. The latter probably will piss a few people off, but people always have the tendency to try to change of alter people’s thoughts.
* I have to choose. Its one of the other …
I’m having second thoughts about group (talking about how I feel ignored — my behavior or in my head?) … I’ll just have to go with whatever feels right.
My calories were raised today to 3,000 (but not ‘till dinner). Nurse Chuck told me (although he’s not supposed to) that I’m gaining barely any weight — “Nothing to speak of” On 2500. I can’t believe it! Oh well, at least I get dessert! More later ….
Tues, Dec. 13
I had a good session with Dr. W. We (I) came to the conclusion that in order to not be the center of attention in my family, I need to start taking care of myself. And growing up.
I did group! —> People are not always thinking of me — they are preoccupied.
Wed., Dec 14
I am wondering whether or not I should return to dance when I am discharged. Dancing isn’t much fun, is easy to get obsessed with my body, and helps me to compete with others and strive (make myself sick over) for perfection. My gut says “no.”
Dr. P and I talked about Narcissus (?) and self-love —— the whole idea of me being the center of my world and missing out on other things.
She said to be the best at everything is like standing on a pin head all alone one footed, always trying not to fall off. To allow myself to be average would be to stand with both feet planted and people around.
I need to stop competing in everything I do. Maybe when I become more comfortable with myself I will be able to do that.
* I just got my objectives for this week:
- Work on feelings of dependency and separation from my family as I become more in(or inter)dependent.
- Learn of the side-effects of Norpramin—the anti-depressant I start on tonight! (Juliet is on them to — Arrgh! Yuck! - But that doesn’t make me like her, right?)
Overall I’m pretty depressed today as a result of I-don’t-know-what. I guess just everything. Oh well — we’re all going to “Big” toinght — we’d better have fun!
In group today we talked a little bit about feeling out-of-control in issues about death. I remembered how I felt after my friend’s death —- why bother if we are all going to die anyway? Who is in control? (+ Monica’s sister.)
——Maybe, since we are all going to die, I should cling closer to the people I love.
———It was scary to remember those feelings.
Oh! Dr. P said eating disorders are a way to get out of extra stress + pressure — get sick and stay out of school, dance.
Bronwyn is asleep (3:16 PM) and snoring really loudly. Amanda + I want to tape her for blackmail later. (Bronwyn has a cold).
I think I’m getting sick. I fell really hot.... I don’t want to tell the nurses because of the whole controversy with Juliet faking, and I don’t wish to return to stage one.
I found out today that [a discharged patient] lost X pounds in X days (after she got out) and quit her job before even going. She also was purging here for 2 weeks (unsuper’ed bathrooms). I’m dissapointed, frustrated, scared, and pissed off.
I hope my tutor (French) comes today. I haven’t had 1 tutor yet, and I’ve been here 3 weeks and 2 days!
Fri., Dec. 16 11:00 pm
I am very tired and somewhat upset. Tired because I started on norpramin yesterday and it supposedly “makes you drowsy for a couple of days.” Ha! I was knocked out yesterday and 1/2 of today. I’m supposed to hopefully adjust to it soon. As for upset …
My roommate Heather just told me something very hard for her to say. Monica suggested to her that she start with me beacuse I am a “toughie” and would probably understand. She said she needed to tell me something (very hesitantly). I went over to her at her desk and she handed me my 2 tapes and 3 books. As tears fell from her eyes, she told me how sorry she was. I asked her if there was anything else I needed to know and she said “Yes, but I don’t have it.” Then she continued to tell me she took my missing roll of quarters and my also missing sheet of stamps. {I had wondered and questioned her if she knew about the where-abouts of these things—she was very defensive… “Well, I didn’t take them!” When I hadn’t accused her of anything of the sort.} She promised me she’d pay me back - I said “I know you will.” Heather went on to say it was a disease and there was nothing she could do about it. I told her she had already taken the first step. Then she said she had a lot more people to tell and that she was really scared that I or anyone else wouldn’t like her or trust her anymore. I said I still loved her and I thought people would trust her a lot more now that she had brought this aspect of her disease out in the open. I can’t help but admit that that explains why, when I first moved in, she was looking though my stuff so much. And I wonder which would be more helpful to her: Hiding my things or leaving them out in the open. I’m concerned about her discharge date being the 21st and she still has all this stuff to work out. Maybe that’s what she’s thinking. Or maybe her discharge date will be pulled.
I have more to write about Grace’s termination (“outstanding personlity — walk into room and people can’t help but notice you — beautiful inside”) as well as how sick I am about all of Heather’s crap, and my thoughts about [new admission] Taneshia, but I am really tired and had better go to bed.
Goodnight. :)
Mon. Dec. 19
I haven’t written in awhile because Grace and Monica have been signing my journal. I have been crying easily, almost at the drop of a pin. I think my sadness and exhaustion has a lot to do with people leaving this week — separation anxiety in “Family” Sat. We talked about my also manipulating Mom with my emotions before she goes on business trips in order to keep her home. Its pretty subconcious, I think … I have just begun to notice times when I’ve done so. I wonder if this is one of those times — that I am getting so upset in an attempt to make Monica and Grace stay. But I know they will leave regardless of how I’m feeling — maybe they will make more of an attempt to keep in touch if they are worried about me. Is that what I’m thinking?
I’m also plain sick and tired of being sick. This is the start of my 5th week here, and hopefully I can go home in 3 more weeks. (Or four.). But a lot of my program is determined by my gaining weight. I guess (or want) I will just have to work on the emotions ‘till then … sometimes I think I’ll be through with the emotions before maintenance [weight] — but I know that won’t be the case - emotions are never-ending, and never totally worked out, right? Hmm. Reassuring, but at the same time scary.
(Later - same day)
After talking in session with Dr. P, I have realized that, at some level, I am dealing with separation with my mom moreso than with Grace and Monica. Upon thinking about my relations with my mom since around Friday, I sense tension, and I think we are both feeling hesitant to feel close because she and I are both feeling scared. I am becoming my own person (slowly but surely), rather than an extension of mom. It is new, it is becoming rather obvious, it is scary, and it is painful. It will be painful for awhile, Dr. P said. I see it as almost like pulling apart two pieces of meshed velcro. But it is healthy, and both mom and I will be better off in the long run. :)
Monica terminated in group today. She told me she took to me and loved me the first instant she walked into my room that first day when I was unpacking. She kept saying over and over how I have so much to offer people and how beautiful (inside and out) I am. She also said she admired my courage (eggs!) and knew, just knew I would be one for recovery. She said that there is just something about me, that makes me so very special. “I don’t know what it is!” She said she admired my ability to not let my anger, sadness, or depression rub-off onto other people —> that I can acknowledge my anger (or whatever) but not take it out on others. And she wished she could do that — whether conciously or subconsciously. Wow!
I know Amanda is going to have a hard time with Monica leaving. She knew I’d be having a hard time with it, too; I told her if she needed to talk tonite to remember I was here. She said she’d probably take me up on that, to which I said “good.”
I’m glad we did T-shirts Sunday so Monica, Grace, Heather, and Bronwyn could all sign it.
Front: Recovery with Hope — Camp Sam 88-89
Back: signatures of everyone
I sure will miss Monica + Grace. Taneshia and I want to be roomies (after Heather leaves — noon Wednesday). I’m going to ask if thats possible in treatment planning Wednesday.
Tues. Dec 20
Right now I’m feeling very depressed, very lonely, and like I am going to cry soon. Today I had a pretty uneventful day. Heather terminated in group today — it took only 1/2 an hour, so for the rest of the time we talked about the group expressing sadness when people leave. Last night after dinner in the circle for Grace and Monica we played “That’s What Friends are For”, “Honestly”, “Meet Me Halfway”, and “Lean on Me”. I was in between Monica + Grace) All of us except Charlotte (and maybe Monica? No, I think she did cry.) cried. Mom and [her friend] came and visited me after and I was still crying. It was hard.
I just got off the phone with my bro and my mom. My bro was really a sweetie-pie. He heard my voice and said “Rough day, huh?” His voice was just filled will compassion. I said yeah. I also expressed my concern about him being careful in Nevada skiing (over Christmas). And I expressed my concern about him being careful with his friend. I said “I don’t know what he’s like now, but I know how he used to be, and I would like for you to be careful. Just don’t do anything stupid, O.K.?” He said “Yeah” somewhat hesitantly but seemed to sincerely appreciative that I showed concern and care. I am really proud of myself for that.
Amanda talked with Monica on the phone tonight and Monica said she ate all her food and met all her exchanges. Amanda and I are sooo happy!
We saw Grace tonight [in the lobby; we were leaving, she was coming in for outpatient group]. Looking good, doing well!
Thurs, Dec. 22
Yesterday was my 1 month anniversary. I can’t believe its been that long. When I first got here I figured I’d be a lot further along in one month than I am. I’m spending all this fucking time gaining weight and getting fat. Its like I’m just here to pork-up untill I hit maintenance. If no on has noticed by now, I’m depressed today and very irritable.
Quick synopsis of yesterday:
- Med Student B (med student’s) last day — he told me (confidentually) that he knew I have what it takes to recover — that all the girls promise the world when they leave, but that, if I worked, I really have the tools needed for recovery.
- I got 2 new objectives (and both passes!) in treatment planning --
- Only call my parents once every other day
- Work on being spontaneous and not over-intellectualizing everything.
—At first I thought ^ that would be a fun objective, but now I realize its going to be hard saying my thoughts without thinking them over and revising them.
- Heather left before lunch — no time for the circle. :(
- I got a new roomate yesterday her name is Sophia. She seems real nice and is 20. She goes to college, a junior. We talked quite a bit last night. This is morning we both went back to bed at 6:40. Sophia asked if we had any more time to sleep I said “about 10 minutes.” Sophia: “Plenty.” And we simultaneously turned over and fell back asleep. :)
- Dr. P and I talked about my need to tell my mom everything that is going on in my life. I can, in that way, avoid being on my own and my own person.
- We went Christmas Caroling for activities last night — 4 of us — Bronwyn, Deborah, Charlotte, and I. We couldn’t go bowling or to a hockey game. We took the nice Mini-Van and drove around the city and countryside singing songs for an hour and a half. We did get out and carol for one extremely decorated house. We all had an enjoyable and relaxing evening.
Friday, Dec. 23 (8:02)
Lately (yesterday and today) I’ve been feeling really fat, and have had trouble in gaining weight. I mean thinking of gaining weight — I’m not going to stop myself from gaining weight - I can’t wait to hit maintenance so I’ll get some privileges. I talked with Nurse Sheryl last night about my feeling really fat and she suggested it was because of all the separation issues and finding out who I am, so I was triggered. Gaining weight is not the issue (although it really seems like it now), growing up is.
Dec. 24 (Saturday)
A lot has occured since I last wrote.
- I hit maintenance! Dr. P told me yesterday I should start asking for walks. I’m psyched! They lowered my calories to 2500 in the middle of the week because the treatment team estimated my adult weight, when actually I should have an adolescent weight. (They caught it in time — I don’t have to lose any weight!) I’m really happy I don’t have to gain any more weight; and I’m very excited that I can start getting more priveledges. Yay! I asked Amanda how I looked now and she said “Healthy”. I asked her how I looked when I came in here and if there was a difference, and she said “Your legs were sticks the first day you got here.” Wow!
- Yesterday I had a hard family session. My mom informed me that [someone] finally called from the Summer Institute camp, and that we could expect no refund… Partly because they couldn’t fill the space, and partly because, after talking with people I talked to, they think the accident was pre-planned. That embarasses the hell out of me. My mom said that it really embarassed her, too, which made me feel like the lowest muck on earth. I felt like a loser.
We talked quite a bit about anger (again!), and I spoke up and said I think my parents are either really out of touch with their feelings of anger (especially my mom), or they’re being quite phony, whether it be consciously or subconsciously. My dad got very angry and said he thought I was jealous because he and mom had worked through their problems and I haven’t. And then he said, “And thats too bad!” I was pissed! I really really do not think I am jealous of my parents.
Anyways, after a lot of crying, tim alone, and talking with Nurse Sheryl, I have come to the two following conclusions:
A.) I have done all this stuff (camp, stay home school, drunk, etc.) in an effort to cry out to my parents that I need them to have some control in my life. Intellectually I may be 40, but I’m still only 15!
B.) [Nurse Sheryl thinks] that I have tried like hell to get my mom angry, to no avail. I want my mom to get angry because she gets angry at my brother, and she loves him; she gets angry with my father, and she loves him; I need her to prove she loves me. (Why bother to get angry at someone you don’t care about?) All of my mom’s words and actions say she loves me, but I’ve never felt her love on a feeling level. Anger is on a feeling level.
My parents (mom) also said at family that at first they didn’t think I could make it here (thats why my dad signed the papers — mom might cave in), but now they (she) is sure I will make it. Then Dr. W said, “Oh, without a doubt!! The whole family will make it!” Wow! He also said that when he sat in session with me he feels like he’s talking to a 40 year old sometimes.
Bronwyn left today. It was the first circle of songs (“That’s What Friends are For”, “Meet Me Halfway,” “Honestly,” “Lean on Me,”) that I haven’t cried. I’m not sure why not. Anyways, I am feeling really jealous of Charlotte right now because it is apparent how close she and Bronwyn were. I feel like she came and stepped into my place. Oh well…
Last night I had a lot of fun with Amanda. She asked me if I wanted to read the “sleep book.” So we came into my room, hopped on the bed, got comfy, and read Dr. Seuss’s Sleep Book along with a tape of Monica reading it. It was really fun! I felt warm and fuzzy that Amanda asked me — me and no one else to read the sleep book with. Then we did a snow dance. We each wore a Mickey slipper and gloves. I wore my Snoopy knit stocking and earmuffs on my head, Amanda wore a plaid scarf and feather boa. We went to every room on the ward (except Juliet’s) and danced around the halls. Upon looking back — quite a spontaneous thing to do!
Sunday, Dec. 25 1988
Today is Christmas. It is 8:20 pm and I am extremely tired. Somehow this doesn’t seem like Christmas. There is no snow on the ground (tho it did snow a little bit today — thanks to me and Amanda’s snow dance!), and I am too depressed and run-down to feel festive. More later on about Christmas Eve, Day, my gifts, movie, and visitor (notice the absence of plural). Oh! And the candy cane!
Monday, Dec. 26 10:11 pm
I figured out in session with Dr. P today that, in actuality, my father is the most spontaneous person with emotions in the family; while my mother and I are the ones who intellectualize (and rationalize?) our (and other people’s) feelings. Where does my brother fit in?
By being spontaneous, I could avoid analyzing feelings to death, and express my feelings as they come, as though I were drunk) without the loss of responsibility), in that my inhibitions could be gone and I could just not worry abouting acting or sounding dumb. So what if I do act or sound dumb, anyway? I’m only human.
Dr. P and I then discussed things I could do to start being a “normal” 15 year-old…
- Start to allow my mother to be my mother. I don’t need to protect her—nor do I need to listen to her gripes about my father.
- Make a list of purely fun things I would like to do to have fun for me — no one else. Be selfish for once!
- Go over the things in my life that my parents need to take more control over … meals, going out, staying home from school, etc.
- Stop telling everyone I’m doing “OK”! Start being honest with myself about competing, feeling down, or needing help.
12/27, Tuesday 2:04
(Wellness is cancelled for today.) I guess I should write down how Christmas went; thought I really don’t want to — I don’t know why not.
Christmas Eve dinner was Bratwurst with sauerkraut and noodles. And boiled spinach. Yuck! I ate dinner in my dress, so when my parents came I wouldn’t have to waste time changing. I read a passage from The Upper Room about being grateful for all the blessings we have — warm houses, food on the table, hope. We had a fun dinner conversation — I showed everyone that I could flip my tongue (both directions!), while Taneshia wiggled her ears. Then Nurse Baldy asked us if we wanted to see him make his bald spot turn red, to which we unanimously responded “Yes!”. He then began slapping the top of his headed repeatedly. :)
Dec. 28, Wednesday (9:15 pm)
Christmastime Cont’D…
At 6:30 my mom came and told two stories. She told the story by Pearl Buck about living on the farm, and then she told the Polar Express. Everyone said the really enjoyed the stories. Then mom gave us all (9 of us) big red bells with green ribbons — they were beautiful! After that, we attended the Christmas Eve Candlelight Service at the University Methodist Church. The service was nice — we sang “Silent Night” with the lights out and the candles lit. My voice sounded really good — so vibrato and lovely. My mom stopped singing (I think so that she could listen to me.).
After Church we went to the Hotel Room across the street at the Genessee Inn and opened gifts. I got mostly shirts and socks, sheets, and some odds and ends. It was nice, but somewhat disspointing — I mean, there was this huge build-up and almost everyone was so upset about being here for Christmas, but Christmas turned out to be “just another day.” I am angry I feel this way because before Xmas when people said that (“just”) I saw them as anti-Christ humbugs. I said “thank-you” a hell of a lot — I felt guilty and as though I’d done something wrong, and I don’t know why. I felt the need to apologize to my parents. I think it has something to do with “individualisation” crap (its not really crap — I’m just kind of sick of it — but I want to do it — to work through it). All that night I felt as though there was this enormous space (a gap or casm?) between my mother and I. As though we weren’t meshed into one whole anymore. I guess I feel like I’m doing something wrong — like I’m hurting my mom. I talked about it in group yesterday and Dr. W (a.k.a. Dr. Boogers) said “Hmm. A wide space? Sounds like the normal distance between a fifteen year old and her mother.” I said yeah, I guess it is, but how can I be sure its normal and going to be OK if I’ve never felt that was towards (or with?) my mother?
I’m really tired — its 10:36 pm and Amanda, I, and Deborah have already read the Sleep Book (Dr. Seuss!) (without Monica!). I have to get up early tomorrow so I can go on walks. (Yeah! Yup—that’s right — I got them today in treatment planning plus unsupervised bathrooms and passes! Yeah! Yay! Rah Rah Rah! Go, Jen, Go!)
Good night.
29 December, Thursday
I learned (or realized?) in session today with Dr. W something — and idea — which is very important … That, though in so many ways I seem to be going on 40 years old, in many others I’m fifteen going on 4. I think (and so does Dr. W) that that is the contridiction of Jennifer Johnson. Hm …
In group today I brought up the topic of people here complaining and how annoying its getting. For example, I said after someone asked, Taneshia [whining] all the time. I admitted that I, too, have caught myself whining about staff. Juliet said she knew she was really irritable and bitchy because she was avoiding the “real issue.” I felt almost like a bad guy, and said I hoped that Taneshia (or anyone else) did not take this as a personal attack. I know, though, that had I not brought the subject up, I would get so sick of hearing the bitching and moaning that I might blow my top.
Speak of the Devil! Taneshia is screaming and calling for Nurse S right now. (Hmm… am I jealous?) Oops, now she’s whining loudly. I’M SICK OF IT!!! EVERY FUCKING NIGHT! GROW UP! YOU’RE 18 FREEKIN’ YEARS OLD. SHUT THE FUCK UP! Boy, am I glad I’m not her roommate! Thank Goodness I didn’t follow that idea through! I guess I’m learning that if the gut feeling says “no, not a good idea,” I should listen to that.
Amanda and I went on walks together this morning. It was really enjoyable. She asked me how I was doing emotionally — “You don’t look so good.” I love Amanda so much — I really don’t want her to leave — she will be the last person here with me who was here when I came. When she leaves, I will be the “oldie.” Oh — Amanda ate 2 Reese’s peanut butter cups tonight — Yay! (She is anorexic — no purging! Just restriction and excersize [weight and height numbers deleted]!)
I feel like I”m getting tennis elbow from writing … its 11:33 pm.
Good night.
Sunday, January 1, 1989
A new year, a new hope.
A lot has happened since Thursday.
- Dr. P said a good-bye-for-now type of thing Friday. She is going on vacation to India for 20 days. The session was a good one, she told me I had to tell my mom that I need a mom, not a best friend, not someone who picks on her husband in front of me. She told me I have been working hard and she hopes I will continue to do so with (avec) Dr. K. She told me to request breakfast downstairs this Wednesday, then lunch + snack out, then other stuff. I should be home in 4 more weeks — end of January. Dr. P will most likely see me the last week I’m here to see things through. She apologized, saying she felt guilty for kind-of leaving me surrounded by all this muck. I accepted her apology, and then she gave me (and I gave her) a big hug.
I will really miss Dr. P. It was really hard to say good-bye to my psychiatrist — one I’ve trusted and worked with so far. I think she is an excellent doctor. I hope Dr. K is as good; but can she be? I”m so used to P. I guess I”m also angry that she left me here. And hurt… how could she do this to me? I don’t want to have to fart around telling Dr. K my whole life from the beginning — what a waste of my time! I hope she’s been reading up on my file! Grrr …..
My family session yesterday was horrible! I asked my parents what the rules will be when I return home, and my mom got out the list.
Monday, Jan. 2 (cont’d)
I didn’t mind the list, but then Dad said something
Tuesday, Jan. 3 (cont’d)
About them deciding what my extra-curricular activities would be, and when I looked over at Mom, I saw her face grimace in dissagreement. Then I started crying. Big time. I realized it was my reaction when I percieve my parent’s difference of opinion… They need to be a united front for me to accept rules or restrictions. When I and Dr. W said this to my parents, my dad got angry and defensive, saying that 15 year olds “don’t know shit”, and playing mind games with Dr. W - trying to out-logic him. Dad just ended up contradicting himself in the end.
I wonder if my parents will accept that our family is not democratic, much less perfect; and that adjustments need to be made.
Last night was the first night I’ve spent here going to bed depressed. Right now I am still pretty down — and I have a headache. I have been thinking about my discharge date quite a bit — I can’t wait to go home. I am really homesick, missing mostly Mom and Rich. I miss sleeping in my own bed, showering my own shower, eating what I choose, going to my own school, waking up without someone there to take my fucking blood pressure.
It feels like I haven’t been home in ages! I’m hoping my discharge date will be in this month - sometime in January! Pleeease! All I think about is breakfast downstairs this Friday; Lunch downstairs, menu planning, and snack out the next; meal out, regular trays, and discharge date the third Friday. I guess I can allow an extra week in my hopes. Oh, listen to me! Like I have a choice in the matter! First of all, I’m a minor and there’s no way my parents a going to sign me out early. And throwing myself down the stairs won’t get me out of here any sooner — in fact, an incident (or trick) like that one would probably lengthen my stay. Besides, if I will have been here 10 weeks by that time — what’s a couple more. Anyways, I’m (hopefully) sure that I will be rolling out of here in 3 or 4 more. I just am missing my family and home and dog so much!
I’m feeling very lonely and hopeless. Feeling out of control. I feel as though I am drifiting — floating around space unable to have any influence on anything …
- Dr. P leaving
- My treatment planning being moved to Fridays
- My progress / discharge
- Other people staying or going
- Time moving so slowly.
Every second feels like another year I am away from home. I miss Monica and Amanda — she’s away for 24 hours for an interview for boarding school … — there are so many new people here, I don’t feel like I have very much (or any?) support from my peers. Everyone else seems to be concerned with whether or not to stay here, or something. I don’t feel like anyone wants to listen to me. Except, of course, staff. My mommy would listen to me if she were here. She would know how to make me feel better. Then I wouldn’t have to feel all this pain. Fuck — does saying these things mean that I’m regressing? That I’m no longer making progress? I sure hope not — I want to go home! Damn it! I WANT TO GO HOME.
Monday, January 9 10:26 am
I got my discharge date last Friday … February 1st. Right now it is 3 weeks and 2 days away. Dr. K said it is right around the corner, and that the last 3 weeks just fly by! Wow. I hope she’s right. I am getting very impatient and anxious. I want to go home, but I’m scared of being alone in recover. I am counting down the days until my discharge (the date is “tentative” — but I plan on working hard ‘till then). I really want to get more priviledges in a hurry. I know I just need to relax because I’m getting really uptight about lots of things. I feel like even the slightest comment could start me spinning around and around with uncontrollable emotions. Like today when Nurse Sheryl the compulsive cleaner started commenting about my room. I just smiled and shrugged it off. Then Nurse Trendy came in and asked if I had any treatment planning requests and I said “No, my treatment planning is Friday,” but she wouldn’t listen because God-forbid a fifteen-year-old patient be right about something, so I just started bawling because I didn’t know what I could request because it has only been 4 days since my last treatment planning and I didn’t know when to request passes for. But then Dr. K came in and straightened things out and we talked and I felt better, but I still feel lonely and scared and anxious and sad and homesick and angry with my parents and staff for telling me to be more independent, yet I am being forced to be so incredibly dependent on staff.
January 10, Tuesday --
Wow! We’re getting into the double digits! I’ve been really really dizzy lately — 3 days now. Its not just when I stand up, its all the time dizzy, almost naseous. Its driving me nuts! I think its anxiety-related, but I’m not sure. I’m supposed to be checked out by [the medical doctor], but of course it will probably be Friday before that happends. I had a rather difficult session with Dr. W today. He asked me how I was doing lately and I said “dizzy”. He then checked my vitals in that big blue 3-ring binder dedicated to the life of Jennifer Johnson. Whoever she is. Anyways, I told him how my pulse this morning was 140, etc, etc. And he said, “Well, it certainly seems you know whats going on symaticly [somatically] …”
January 11, Wednesday
I am so pissed off at Nurse Sheryl. The bitch gets me furious! Right when I’m having a good conversation with my friends, she acts as though the conversation needs to be guided by the all-knowing, god-like witch, Nurse Sheryl. The woman is so fucking ugly!
January 14, Saturday 10:06 pm
Today’s day was a pretty good day, but right not I’m feeling pretty lonely.
The good parts of the day were: breakfast and lunch downstairs in the dining room with Sophia, seeing my family, and going out on pass (4 hrs — 1-5) with Mom. We ran different errands and I got a lunchbox (!) for when I go back to school — which is coming up sooner than I imagined possible (18 more days)! Mom and I went to Gavelston’s and had a soda each, and we talked about the stuff that was said in movement therapy Wed. About me always being where Taneshia was going (indirect movement), so she never lost track of where she was headed. That was important. I learned I am a person who goes places directly, concentrating almost solely on where I am headed rather than where I am no; but that I like moving indirectly better. [The group leader] commented that, when I was moving towards my spot indirectly and I stopped and opened the curtains to watch it snowing outside (big, fluffy, white powdery flakes) that she stopped and looked too, and wouldn’t have seen it if I hadn’t stopped to see the beauty along the way. It seems all too easy to over look it. Hmmm.
Sunday, January 15
I’m so sick of this place and being here that I could just peuk. Nurse Sheryl (the compulsive cleaner) got on my back again today about my room. I got really really pissed and told her that my clothes were still drying and how I didn’t have any room to put them anywhere else. She started saying how I was the only one (bitch!) and how unfair it is the the housekeeper — the fucking housekeeper! I thought the housekeeper was supposed to clean! Any, I said “Well too bad”, and she said “So you’re not going to pick up your room? Its going to stay like this?” And I said “Yup!” And she goes, “Well, I think there should be consequences for that,” and turned around and walked out. Consequences! Give me a fucking break! I’m soooo sick of hearing about consequences! And the bitch doesn’t even tell me what they are! Bitch! So I started punching pillows and kicking drawers and screaming, but I didn’t even realize I was screaming until I was almost finished.
All I’ve been hearing about lately in my family sessions is consequences - consequences. I’m so sick of it! And the thing that really pisses me off is that I asked my parents to give me all these goddamed rules and fucking consequences! I’m pissed also because the rules and consequences scare me and why should they? I’m supposed to be this 15 year old who knows what I want, and accepts the rules without debating or manipulation when I get them. I’m so sick of all this shit I have such a headache.
Then Nurse Trendy comes in and talks with me and asks me if I’m ready to go home and I said “Yeah,” and then she sits there tries to tell me I’m not, which scares the piss out of me, because how much more ready can I get in 2 weeks and 3 days? And I’m not, repeat not going to stay any fucking longer than February 1st because I haven’t been home in so long and I want to go home soon. Except that I’m going to have to have all these dumb rules and consequences which I guess I feel a little relieved to have, I admit; but I also don’t want to have — it scares me to give up my control — but I know I can’t get out of them — which scares (frightens) me even more because its out of my control and what if I don’t like it? There’s no way for me to get out of this one, no matter how much I try to manipulate my parents or debate them out of a curfew or restriction.
And how can I eat all this stuff (and no more + no less) when I get home? I’m thinking of lunch in the caf at school and thinking how dumb and vulnerable I’m going to look and feel. And not drinking?!? That’s another story! I’m supposed to give up the people, places, and things that I did when I was drinking or drunk. That’s so fucking hard to think about. I can’t believe (or find it hard to) that that stuff pertains to me — and thats the reason for most of my rules and restrictions. My parents (dad) even offered to more or send me to boarding school so I won’t have a lot of pressure on me from my (old) friends to drink. That feels like a hell of a lot of a responsibility and load to bear for me … to have whether or not my family moves dependent on me. On me and my decisions! Argh! That seems like an awful big damned responsibility to put on a fifteen-year-old’s shoulders. And isn’t that what we’re trying to avoid (or lessen) by making up these rules in the first place?!?
Well, down to lunch I go. (Avec Sophe).
Later, 9:40 pm
Right now I am extremely jealous of Taneshia even though I know I shouldn’t be. And I know its supposed to be OK; that I can feel what I feel; but that very hard for me to accept − to tell my heart that, not just keep it in my brain.
Monday, January 16
My head is tingling my shoulders are tense and my face is hot. I’m sick of hearing other people’s problems and I’m sick of Patty’s self-riteous bullshit. I’m goddamned sick and tired of hearing people talk about whether or not they are deciding to leave. I’m sick of Patty telling everyone that she’s got to leave for her, and all that crap! What am I still doing here? I’ve wanted to leave here and go home so many times its not funny! I feel like such a goddamn loser for still being here. My God, its the start of my ninth week! I’m sick of Taneshia’s crap, too; always talking about how she has no issues — she just wanted to be skinny. Thats bullshit!!! Why the hell are you here then, Taneshia? Why don’t you just sign your goddamn self right out of here? Why doesn’t everybody who’s not comitted to recovery or this program just leave? Just pack your bags and go? Why?!? Because I would be the only one here, thats why! Well, maybe Sophia and possibly Thriller. I know, I know. I”m here for my recovery, no one else’s. But I’m sick of everyone being so cinical (sp) about this program … This is the program I live by! And what if the reason I’m still here is to get other people’s approval? My parent’s and staff’s and everyone else’s. Is that so god fucking awful? What if that is what I need … other people’s approval?
All I know for sure is that I feel as though I’m on the edge of this huge imense mental breakdown and I just can’t wait until my mommy comes at three o’clock because when I talk with her I always feel much better … at least I can know she still loves me and thinks I’m OK, and that she will hold me and hug me and wipe away my tears when I’m crying.
10:40 pm
I’m jealous again. I found out Taneshia’s at maintenance and so is Charlotte and they got walks. I am somewhat angry that I was here for 5? Weeks just sitting on my butt trying to gain weight. I’m sick of hearing about everyone else and I’m sick of being here. I never want to come back to this hell again.
I’m feeling really lonesome and homesick. The kind of feelings that lie so heavy on my heart that I could swear they have actually have physical weight. As if I don’t feel heavy enough. I’m not really sure why I’m so down, I think a lot of it has to do with all the rules and responsibilities of going home. And the stupid consequences to breaking a rule. I hate giving up the control I used to have and handing a lot of it over to my parents — it really scares me a lot. And right now I really really want to go home but I’m really really afraid to … and it seems as though sixteen days is an eternity. And a lot of people are leaving this weekend and it hurts me to see them go and not me. I know thats a really selfish way to feel; my brain is playing the tapes of “I shouldn’t feel that way” again, but I’m sorry. No I’m not sorry — I do feel that way — I just do. No ifs, ands, or buts. My recovery.
Tuesday, January 17.
It feels as though it should be Thursday. Although I’ve been really busy lately, time seems to be dragging. I hate to write that, because it makes things seem like its definate that time is dragging and by writing that it will continue to do so. Yesterday and today have both been really tough (mostly in group). Yesterday Charlotte was very sarcastic towards me about my finishing the program and “graduating” from it. I was very pissed and my mom came right after group to take me out on pass and all I could do for 20 minutes was stand in my room in my mommy’s arms and cry. I mean really cry. I get upset just thinking about it. Hurt and lonely and angry and painfully homesick. Painfully homesick. I feel like I’ll never get home — that 15 days is an overwhelming eternity. Of course thats not really the case, but it seems as though it might be. I know I’ll be busy, but somehow right now that doesn’t help as much as it used to. But, my God, next week is the start of my last week here! Yay!
“Nothing’s gonna change my love for You” just came on the radio Conrad’s and I’s old song. I’ve been thinking about Conrad again lately — I think probably just for something to do. I’m thinking about his reaction to me when I go home — will he be more attracted to my body now that I have a butt? And will we be talking since he wrote the letter to me here saying how much he still cares and loves me? I’m getting really restless. Later, okay? Will you still love me?
January 23, 1989
Wow! A new journal! I haven’t been writing because I ran out of room in my other journal. Lots has happened since I last wrote.
I got my (definate) discharge date … January 28th! I can’t wait! I can’t wait! I haven’t been home for over two months. I know its going to be tough, really tough, but right now I’m excited. I have to keep reminding myself that its probably not going to be as much of a big deal as I’m making it out to be …
I find out my weight range today … I’m nervous about that. It seems to easy for me to forget how hung up I used to be about my weight and dieting. I think I will probably have a rude awakening by the numbers. I”m going on meal out tonight with Nurse Sheryl and I’m excited about that; but nervous, too, because I’m afraid I’ll goof up and eat way too much.
January 24, 1989 … Tuesday
4 more days ‘till I’m home. Yay!
I found out last night that Taneshia wrote her 72 hour letter, so, or course, we talked about it in group today and I did good! Dr. W asked me how I felt about it, and I said I thought that it is a “bunch of garbage” that people think they are ready after having been here what? Three weeks? And I said I was angry and I am scared to go, even tho I’ve finished the program and everything; and I said I get scared and angry when people say they can lose five pounds when they leave or that there aren’t any “issues,” that they just want to be thin. I went on to say that “thin” is one thing, but that starving ourselves and throwing up every day and abusing laxatives is something else completely! Anyway, I expressed my feelings, and that’s important — something somewhat new to the old Jen. I think the newer, healthier Jen is emerging! Slowly but surely. 2 steps forward and one step back … but then 2 more steps forward.
Wednesday, January 25th
I can’t wait to get out of here. I am really very sick of the girls whining and complaining about being bored, taking medications, wanting a cigarrette. I am really sick of it all. There are no regulare voices around here, only bitchy whines! Damn them!
Last night I was thinking about only having three more days here, and I’m getting really sad. I’m going to miss the people here so much. I’m scared.
Taneshia (bitch) is on the phone again. Bitching about being caged. Jeez, Taneshia, there are some consequences to writing your 72 hour letter! I am so angry and so sick of hearing how she is “ready”, and how everyone is ganging up on poor little old Taneshia. Awww, poor baby! But big bad Dr. W can’t be mean to the poor little self-riteous wimp because her daddy called everyone up and told them not to mess with her. And she “expected as much” for us (me, Sophia, Dr. W, etc.) to be angry. Because she’s right and she knows best and all the doctors are wrong and she’s so lonely (poor thing) but she can leave and lose 5 pounds because there are no issues, she just wanted to be thin. Bullshit! Bullshit! Arrgh! What a fucking bitchy, prissy, “the world revolves around me” bitch! There … I feel a little better.
Monica came back Monday. She was having a real tough time at home with eating and sticking to her diet, and was encouraged very strongly to readmitt herself. Well, anyway, she’s been real down and has been saying how she just wants to go home; and before I went to be tutored Sophia came in and said that Monica submitted her 72 hour letter! I didn’t know she was that serious about it. I’m really angry — now my discharge day is not my own; and when the fuck does she plan on terminating?!? I’m very angry. I’m very worried as well. She is obviously not secure enough — her conflicts haven’t been brought out enough to get behind her — to leave. I’m real concerned. Rest assured I will talk with her tonight — listen with her tonight. She’s in denial again, too. :(
Thursday, January 26th
Oh no; I just heard Nurse Sheryl’s voice. Aaa! Eves with the bitch! :(.
I talked with Monica; she is staying. Yay! She said she’d stay ‘till Feb. 24.
There was another new admission last night — that made 13 people in group today. Our circle was huge! Taneshia left, so now we are back down to 12.
I talked with Dr. P (terminated w/ W yesterday because he’s going to DisneyWorld for 5 days) and she wrote an order for me to get regular trays. Yay! Desert! Oh yeah — I had snack out last night — went to Mobil with Nurse Chuck + got peanut M&M’s and Gingerale.) Dr. P also said absolutely no going below the weight of [numbers deleted]. I guess [it] isn’t that bad — considering my ideal [adult] body weight is [numbers deleted]. No way I could weight that much.
Today has been a pretty good day so far — I said good bye to my favorite tutor. We had a good time blasting [other tutors] out with laughter.
I have to terminate with Nurse Sheryl tonight and I’m really sad and scared about that. But its fitting that she be my first termination. :)